on Mothering.....

It's about 6:00am and I can't sleep. Woke up to feed Blake and put him back down, only to crawl back in to bed, albeit still tired, but unable to sleep. Too many thoughts running through my mind of things I need to get done, things I want to get done, sun shining, birds chirping, sound of hammers working on finishing the house down the street, Matt getting ready to leave downstairs...so I get up for the day, planning on catching up on my sleep during the kids' naps later but knowing full well that I won't end up sleeping but will seize the few moments of peace and quiet to do a few more things. I always think that if I just skip a nap and get a few more items crossed off my to-do list, that I'll finish my list. But over the last 5 1/2 years, I have realized that a mother's life means having a never-ending to-do list. Yet it's still hard for me to sit down and rest--maybe that's something I'll get better at soon!

I need to clarify the never-ending to-do list. Yes, some of those items are things like picking up toys, wash fingerprints from the windows, clean the downstairs bathroom (in the likely event that someone will stop by and need to use it after my kids have used it for the 148th time leaving TP on the floor, towel on the counter, soap strewn on the counter, etc)....but some of the items on my list are things I want to do, like finish Sadie's photo book from last year, catch up on my blog, read one of the 5 books I currently have going, make a job chart for the kids, finish decorating the loft. And then there are the items that have been on my long-term list and that I have been wanting to do for years and keep telling myself I will get to them someday; take a photography class, do a triathlon, organize our basement......you get the picture.

I write all this on here because someday I will look back at my 'blog books' (something I have actually stayed caught up with!) and have a million pictures to remember things by but nothing written by myself to remind myself of how I was feeling at this stage in life. These thoughts are constantly swirling through my head but rarely do I have {take} the time to put them down on paper. I spent about an hour yesterday reading a book my good friend Jen L. suggested I read. LIFT by Kelly Corrigan (which is a great book for mom's of little ones, not only because of the content but also because you can start and finish the book in about an hour or two!) I found myself laughing and crying at the same time. Yes, crying......something I never did prior to being married, but once I met Matt, the tears flowed a bit more freely.....then Wyatt brought on the floodgates that seem to be never ending and have continued with the addition of Sadie and Blake. For some of us, it takes these intense roles of being a wife and mother that cause us to love so deeply and feel so strongly as to bring on the waterworks while reading a short story on mothering!! I digress, however, about my emotional state.......

There is a great quote in Lift that I had to share in order to give the proper backdrop for these thoughts....."I heard once that the average person barely knows ten stories from childhood and those are based more on photographs and retellings than memory. So even with all the videos we take...you'll be lucky to end up with a dozen stories. You won't remember how it started with us, the things that I know about you that you don't even know about yourselves. We won't come back here. You'll remember middle school and high school, but you'll have changed by then. You changing will make me change. That means you won't ever know me as I am right now--the mother I am tonight and tomorrow, the mother I've been for the last [four] years, every bath and book and birthday party, gone. It won't hit you that you're missing this chapter of our story until you see me push your child on a swing or untangle his jump rope or wave a bee away from his head and think, Is this what she was like with me?"

As I read this, I realized that I didn't know my mom when she was my age....nor could I really. When my mom was 30, I was 4 years old and my sister was 2. We lived in a house I barely remember and I can't remember any specifics from our day to day life.....although I know it must have been good because I have fond memories and haven't been scarred by anything in my childhood!

But my thoughts will have to wait for another time....because I have a beautiful 3-year old girl about to climb in my lap with her blankie and babydoll, with her morning 'crazy' hair, worn off fingernail polish, and smile that just melts me.....a few moments for me to soak in my girl before the boys awaken.

....so it's now 3 weeks since I started this post and I am finally getting a moment to try and finish it. As I was rereading this, it hit me that my kids won't really know me as I am today. They might have a memory or two, but won't know what I was like---what I loved, what I looked forward to, what I struggled with, etc. So I made a list of things they might find interesting/surprising.....and things I might someday forget!

In no particular order:

1. I now LOVE being a mom, but it wasn't always this way. I really struggled to find a way to enjoy motherhood when Wyatt was born. Becoming a full-time mom was an absolute shock to me and it took me at least 6mos.-1yr to really enjoy it.

2. I am always in a hurry....one of my pet-peeves is being late, but I now find myself arriving later than I would like to things.

3. I have realized that being late isn't the end of the world...and its certainly not worth hurting the ones I love in the process.

4. I drive too fast

5. I still love working out but don't get to do it as often as I'd like or for as long as I'd like

6. I have developed a love for photography over the last few years...someday I hope to take some photography classes

7. I like contemporary design

8. I often find myself looking forward to being able to take family ski vacations, family runs, bike rides, etc but try and remind myself to enjoy these days while you guys are little because they will be gone soon.

9. I still bite my fingernails on occasion

10. I love where we live and am so thankful for the great neighbors we have and the kids you guys play with everyday

11. I don't pray enough and want to do it more.

12. It's hard for me to sit still

13. I love learning and school....I actually miss school and would love to possibly go back someday.

14. I have a pretty good sense of direction

15. I really don't care what other people think---sometimes bad but mostly good---I do what I do because I think it's best for me and my family and that is the only thing that matters

16. I am so thankful for your Dad and his perspective on life

17. I think motherhood has forced me to rely on Christ more than anything else in my life....realizing that I can't control what happens with each of you or what happens to you, but I know the Lord loves you even more than I do and I have to rest in that truth

18. I definitely talk too much and don't listen enough

19. I really try to 'listen' to each of you kids and hear your perspective

20. I worry that you will grow up and not know the value of hard work and discipline and am trying my best to instill that in you

21. Despite my last comment, I am not a big worrier. I don't worry about any of the 'little' things but do have concerns about the 'big' things.

22. I want you to all find something that you love to do and do it--regardless of what those around you tell you.

23. I still don't like cooking but do it out of necessity.

24. I feel confident in just about every area of my life, except for motherhood. As a mom, I daily feel inadequate.

25. I love reading and wish I had more time to do it. There are so many brilliant people out there and I just want to soak up all their wisdom and insight.

26. I have a few friends in my life who really know me and will tell me if I am doing something I shouldn't be doing----this is SO important and I pray that you will choose your friends wisely; friends who will help you grow and challenge you.

27. I have lived in many different places and I think it's important to experience different places and different people---even if that means moving away from home for a bit.

28. I always thought I'd have 4 kids but may be done at 3----back to #24, I'm not sure I could be a good mother to another child. I sometimes think I'll have another but usually it's because many people think having 4 would be so hard and I want to prove that I can do it....but then I realize that this isn't a good reason for bringing a child in to the world.

29. Some people call me creative but I'm really just a good 'copier'.

30. I am horrible at sending cards....I always remember people's birthdays but rarely remember to do anything about it. I am also horrible at staying in touch with people and talking on the phone....my friends that have been my friends for a long time don't seem to mind (probably the reason they are still my friends!)

31. I can hurt people's feelings easily but I usually have no idea I did unless it's pointed out to me or your Dad tells me I did.

32. I HATE taking medication of any kind and will do everything I can to avoid taking it

33. I can sleep anywhere

34. I always think I'm right but don't have a problem doing something someone else's way if I think it's better

35. I used to have a really hard time saying 'I'm sorry' but your Dad has helped me with this one and I have gotten much better

36. I have a hard time getting along with moody people or fake people

37. I really like getting rid of things (donating to Goodwill) and de-cluttering my house, but I have been known to toss a few important things along the way

38. I love singing in church (not in front of people, just singing in the congregation) and can get quite emotional during a great time of worship

39. I LOVE LOVE LOVE music of all types and hope to pass this along to you kids

40. I would listen to music 24-7 if I were alone and I would turn it up really loud

41. I am not good at cleaning my house consistently but refuse to get a cleaning lady because I want you guys to learn how to do it and see the work that goes in to keeping a house clean

42. I love talking with other moms that I respect and hearing their perspective on things

43. I despise heat and humidity--a great reason to live in MN!

44. I miss basketball.......I played almost everyday of my life until I finished college and have only played a handful of times since then.

45. I love maps and am so excited about the 4' x6' map I just got framed upstairs....I'm hoping you'll grow to appreciate the world we live in, realizing that our life here is not the center of the universe but just a part of it

46. I am not a demanding wife

47. I am glad I played a college sport for 4 years but wish I had been able to study abroad. I hope you'll take the chance to live in a different culture if you get the chance.

48. I am so thankful for my family and my in-laws......you are surrounded by some pretty great grandparents, aunts, and uncles. Hopefully someday you'll have some cousins!

49. I don't like to get my nails done....it never lasts, especially as a mom.

50. For the first time in my life, I actually like my hair and don't wish for it to be any different. (only took 30 years!)

51. I am an eternal optimist (sometimes to the point of not being a realist)

52. I don't like making stops on road trips

53. I love lists and have been known to write things on my list that I have already done just so that I can cross it off

54. Being a mom has forced me to give up my need to 'complete my list'

55. I have a hard time balancing being a mom and being my own person.....taking time for myself as well as spending time with you guys

56. I despise potty-training and am not looking forward to having to do it again

57. I love watching you kids sleep

58. I like mowing the lawn but don't have the patience for gardening

59. I have wide feet and have always hated that

60. I love mini-donuts, diet coke, warm chocolate chip cookies, avocados, chicken salad sandwiches, sushi, artichoke dip and brick-oven pizza

61. I am not a very sentimental person

62. Sometimes I can't believe that I am your mom.....I still feel like a 22-year old trying to figure life out

63. I am so glad you all got my blue eyes but still look more like your Dad

64. I don't like taking baths....in fact, I can't remember the last time I took one.

65. I love snow and playing in it......sledding, shovelling, skiing, making snowmen, snowball fights

66. I have been to just about every state in the United States and am looking forward to taking you to see all these beautiful places

67. I am not a scrapbooker, but I love doing your photobooks and blogging to keep a record of our lives

68. I enjoy listening to sermons online from pastors from around the country

69. I love taking trips with your Dad and we have tried to do this each year since we became parents.....its so great for us and for you guys as well!

70. I am not good at planning our meals and constantly try to do a better job of this

71. I don't mind doing laundry

72. I don't look back in life (no 'i wonder if', or 'i should have' or 'what if's)

73. I would love to see a counselor sometime and learn more about myself and how I can do life better, but haven't had a situation arise yet that has forced me to make time for it.

74. I am a pretty good speller

75. I am not good at 'thinking outside the box'....but your Dad is and I am so thankful for that.

76. I could take pictures of nature all day long

77. I love going for a long run without music and just listening to the sounds outside and the thoughts in my head

78. I don't stop often enough to really 'soak' in the moment

79. I go online to buy a book and usually buy 2-3 more than I was planning on......I love reading books

80. I rarely read fiction but when I take the time to do so, I really like it

81. I have never read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and need to do this

82. I love studying the Bible

83. I love giving gifts to people (probably because 'gifts' is one of my love languages)

84. I have high expectations of others

85. I have high expectations of you

86. I am a problem-solver.....I like to identify what's wrong and then deal with the problem, head on

87. I like cool colors, not warm ones

88. I would love to have a white kitchen someday (probably when I don't have little kids)

89. I don't like hot tubs....never have....this goes back to #43

90. I have a hard time believing I'll ever miss waking up in the middle of the night

91. I will probably miss being needed by you at night

92. I am very trusting of others....sometimes too trusting.

93. I am so thankful that my parents let me fail...it taught me so much and I am definitely going to pass this on to you guys!

94. I am not an 'animal person' and will probably never have a dog

95. I love concerts and used to spend much of my hard-earned money on going to them

96. I love to hear your questions about faith and God

97. I love to hear your made-up stories and wish I could write them all down

98. I am a very open person and will talk to just about anyone about anything

99. I am a work in progress and pray that I never think I have 'arrived' and am done being challenged

100. My favorite meal to eat out is breakfast.

So there you have it. 100 things that make me who I am....your mom. I'm sure you won't read these for many years (if ever), but now they are in print and hopefully will give you a glimpse of what I was like when you kids were 5, 3 and 7mos. old. You won't remember me at this point in life, but this will have to suffice as a glimpse.