A first I thought I'd never experience

No faster than I had written my last post about the sickness in our house and revealing that we were expecting, did we learn that I had had a miscarriage. It’s weird sometimes, how we can be so sure of one thing and then have that very same thing taken before we even realized what was happening. It seems that is what has happened to us. Several weeks ago we were talking about being done with having kids only to have an ER doctor tell us that we were expecting. (I had gone in for some abdominal pain, not even thinking I could be pregnant. They never did figure out what the pain was from.)

So as we sat in that hospital room with the news of our 4^th child, Matt and I just looked at each other and said, “Well, I guess the Lord answered our prayers about whether or not we should have another.” And there wasn’t a doubt in our minds that this was the Lord’s will for us as we had tried our best to prevent it. Clearly, though, the Lord was reminding us of who is in control and who knows what is best for us.

As the next few weeks went by, we became excited about having four kids and how wonderful it was that the decision had been ‘made’ for us! I went in for another ultrasound and was able to see the baby’s heartbeat and even listen to it, getting more and more excited about all that lay ahead of us as a family. We told our family and close friends, and then with all the sickness in our household, we were forced to tell even more people to try and make sure I didn’t get sick. And by this point I was nearing 10 weeks, so based on my previous pregnancy history (no miscarriages), this being my 4^th pregnancy, and also having seen the heartbeat, we decided to tell the kids. And let me tell you, they were so excited. Especially Sadie….she nearly cried when we told her she was so overjoyed as she said to us, “I have been praying that God would give us a baby!” She immediately began talking about her little sister and how she could take care of her, hold her and most importantly get to come see the baby in the hospital (as she wasn’t able to come see Blake in the hospital because of the H1N1 virus).

Not even 2 days later did I go in to my OB’s office for an ultrasound as there had been come concerning things going on. As soon as the ultrasound showed up on the screen overhead, I knew it didn’t look right. There was no heartbeat and the baby didn’t seem like it had grown much in the past 3 weeks. And the doctor came in and confirmed what I had seen….the baby had stopped growing several weeks earlier and we were just now seeing signs of that. And as quickly as we found out we were expecting, we learned we were not.

It’s weird….everyone deals with news like this so differently. And for me, I just moved into practical mode immediately. What can I expect? What should I do? How will we tell the kids? What will Matt’s reaction be? Can we still leave for our vacation to FL the following week? I don’t remember a lot of what the doctor told me, but I do remember her saying something about how difficult it is to have the ‘exact right environment for life to begin’. And that has stuck with me. Everytime I have given birth I am amazed at the true miracle of it all….that a human life can actually start within my body and be born into this world completely healthy.

I left that day feeling sad that we wouldn’t meet our 4^th child on this side of eternity but also with such peace that clearly the Lord now had our child in His presence (a much better place than this world) and that we would someday see that child. And also SO thankful for the blessing of having 3 beautiful, healthy kids. And it has really been the Lord’s peace that has stayed with me through all of this.

The hardest part of it all was actually telling the kids. And they both did really well with the news, but it was still hard. Sadie said, “But I still want a baby” and I told her she just needs to keep praying to the Lord to give her one. But I do think the Lord has used the kids to remind us of some great things….

Wyatt said to me, “Mommy, will you still want to go on our family trip since our baby died?” and I was able to explain to him that of course we will. We (Matt and I) are so thankful for our family and still want to spend time together.

Sadie said to us at dinner a few nights later, “Our baby is in heaven with Grandma Sorensen. Remember how much she loves babies? Now she can take care of our baby!” I was so thankful for the words I believe God gave us through our children and their perspective on things.

We are doing well in the Sorensen household….as I write this we are sitting in Florida enjoying the warmth, beach, pool and sun with good friends. This vacation couldn’t have come at a better time and we are not looking forward to returning to ‘real’ life.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers, cards, encouraging words and support. We are so thankful for our friends and family and especially the family the Lord has blessed us with.